We took a family vacation last week, to North Carolina. It was great fun but stressful in the way that family vacations can be. Our two-year-old son Freddy learned to climb out of the travel crib, which meant he skipped a few hours’ sleep each night. And that has knock-on effects, as anyone with a two-year-old will tell you.
By the eighth day away, he was unravelling a bit. Then he had a total meltdown when his mom left to go and buy bagels. He kept screaming at the front door and dragging me over to it, hoping I could bring his mom back.
At first, I indulged him, telling him mom would be back soon, and not to worry. But in the end, it didn’t help. He kept going. This was one of those tantrums where the falcon cannot hear the falconer, if you know what I mean. He wasn’t going to come back to earth any time soon. So, I went and got a blanket, folded it up on the floor, and sat cross-legged next to him. I took a series of deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth and closed my eyes. I channeled Andy from Headspace.
He was screaming for a few minutes, but after about ten more, the fact that I was sat next to him taking deep breaths made him stop. He sat down and watched me, then he started taking deep breaths too. It was amazing. I felt like I could start some sort of parenting cult right then. The trick, it seemed, was to accept his tantrum and my inability to control it. Then to be there and control my breathing. That’s it. Essentially, I gave up on trying to soothe him, and that soothed him.
I often talk about how yoga, meditation, and my work combine. There’s a saying in yoga that goes, “how you do anything is how you do everything.” So, in New York I tend to do things with some impatience, and a drive for results. I don’t always stop and smell the roses. But as a parent, I’m now conscious that trying to get the kid to stop having a meltdown isn’t always going to work. And that experience on Sunday gave me some insight into handling other difficult things, too. Sometimes you must get a blanket, sit on the floor nearby, and just take some deep breaths while people freak out. You can’t control their reactions, but you can accept that. And be there when they calm down.
This is all a lot harder in practice than it sounds in a few paragraphs of writing, of course.
I hope you had a great holiday weekend and are looking forward to the summer.
